The History Of Our Universe (And Others)

The History Of Our Universe (And Others) is the first book in The Books Of Importance.

Scriptures
!

Long, long ago, before Time himself existed (Which makes sense seeing as it was before the universe existed…) the great Rubbish Bin Theodrona came from the void and into the blackness.

Theodrona said unto the blackness: “LETTHEREBELIGHT!”

The blackness paused, because light didn’t exist yet.

“OK>>>LETTHEREBESOMETHINGSHINY!”

There was light, and it was good. The light burst through the cracks of the Twilight Zone, and the entire blackness was lit up with stars.

“RIGHTTHEN<LETTHEREBECHICKENS!”

There were chickens, and it was good. Suddenly, many many chickens burst into the the blackness. (Chickens already lived in the void of course).

But these chickens were huge and twenty three times the size of big stuff.

And now Theodrona was finished with his/her job, so s/he opened his/her lid and disappeared.

Meanwhile, the many chickens settled down amongst the stars and began laying eggs. Every second for the chickens counted as what we would think was 100 years. The eggs took a long time to hatch, but while they did, life began to grow on the eggs.

It was then that a bottle of milk fell out of the sky and splashed all over the stars belonging to the chicken Keith.

This created the milky way, because why not?

One Egg laid by Keith’s daughter Dorcus was called Draconia, and it was a small square desert egg the size of a two (medium) galaxies.

I just wanted to point that out. This universe has a really confusing world, and

 

!!

After a while, the stars cooled down, and the life on one egg called Earth began to thrive. Sadly at the same time, the stars cooled down a bit to much for an egg called Pluto, and it froze to death.

Because of this, Keith put a glass ‘atmosphere’ around each egg, to make sure they didn’t freeze. Keith also sat down to keep her eggs warm, and she made a giant warm glowy thing so that the eggs were hot.

One day, Theodrona returned and emptied a load of trashy old dinosaur toys onto earth. Then, a couple of million years later, Keith decided she didn’t like the dinosaurs, so she obliterated them from the face of the earth.

And it was good.

Earth went back to being normal again, until some little monkeys without tails that thought they were all high and mighty because they were tailless began to turn into even more high and mighty things, but they were pretty idiotic brainless fools, so we will forget all about them.

!!!

The universe is only the centre of our dimension. It is a large semicircle, but the most important things are The Twilight Zone, The and The Void.

The universe ends with a huge crystal wall the goes all around the semicircle. If you manage to break through the crystal (Good luck with that) you will find yourself in The Twilight Zone, a huge white room that spans around the entire semicircle.

Inside the white room is a single phoenix guard. They dress like train conductors and have a great sword with them. They can live for amillionyearsbeforetheyburstinto flame and are reborn as a much younger man. Whenever they are reborn they have a newspaper for that year, which is a way to keep track of the date.

If you manage to get past the guard (Good luck with that, because they can kill you by pulling the finger) you will be fired into The void, an almost endless and very boring oblivion. It is full of grass the colour of nothing and hills the height of nothing, but nothing much lives there for more than an hour before they leave due to boredom.

Our dimension comes to an end at the great cliffs of THIS HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO COPYRIGHT CLAIMS. They drop off at the end of The Void. At the bottom of the cliffs lies the floor of our dimension, special stuff made of pure lava. The huge semicircle floats through the great Sea of Dimensions, which was created almost 8,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 centuries ago by the great Theomarna, the mother/father of Theodrona.

Other dimensions include...


 * Snowlandia: Another semicircle, the exact size of our dimension, just without space. It is just a landmass. It was named by people that live in the town Christmas, although they do not realise that most of their dimension is made of solid rock without a single speck of snow. Their town is snowy, because the evil fascist Santa Claus/Father Christmas stuck said town and its outskirts in a giant snow globe. The reason
 * Gorgon: A large surfboard shaped dimension that rides the waves of the great ocean of dimensions. The civilians consist of creatures that are talked of in Greek Legends, written by extra high and mighty tailless monkeys. It is called Gorgon because
 * Dog: A giant dog in a life jacket. It has a little city hanging from its belly. The city is lived in by a huge number of scientists and dog experts, who have endless debates about the reality of the dog. They never look up, because if they did their necks would snap. If they could look up, the dog would be proven to exist. It is a Corgi.
 * Atlantis: The largest dimension of them all. It was very confusing, because it was a giant glass ball full of cities that floated around under the surface of the sea. The race that populated Atlantis were the cleverest of them all. One day, an ancient artefact fell from the sky into the ball. The Atlanteans cast it out in the fear that it would anger their gods. This in turn angered their gods and the ball filled up with water, drowning every one inside.

The Sea of Dimensions ends at the giant waterfalls, AKA the edge of Oblivion.

!@

The thing that caused the ancient artefact to fall into Atlantis is the birthplace of the very rubbish bin that created our Dimension, Theodrona. This thing is actually a place, a very great place, a very great place known as 4-The Great Antique Shop In The Sky. Mainly because that’s it name.

Although it is where the rubbish bins hail from, it is ruled by the caretaker of existence,

King Nebuchadnezzar. I tell you this because King Nebuchadnezzar (try saying that with a mouthful of marshmallows) has an assistant, The Grand Master Sarmanteniqueli Øøk, who played an instrumental part in this next section.

King Nebuchadnezzar’s name is pretty stupid.

I should stop saying things like this, or I will probably be brutally hacked to death with a series of blunt axes and scythes.

The Grandmaster Sarmanteniqueli Øøk was sent to our dimension to explore and find the best and cleverest thing in the sea of dimensions. Sadly there was an incorrect calculation in the landing coordinates and he landed on earth.

When he landed on earth, he was rather shocked. He was so shocked that he fainted, and his special magic wand slipped into the sea. This caused some rather disturbing side effects, including (But not limited to): The sea becoming salty, the great big island of earth splitting into different islands, and, worst of all, it gave humans the ability to think.

When he realised what he had done, Grandmaster Sarmanteniqueli Øøk exiled himself to the edge of Oblivion.

@

The fact that Grandmaster Sarmanteniqueli Øøk banished himself to the edge of Oblivion is a very big coincidence. When he arrived, he sat down on his rock and began to fish. He did not notice that Bob (You’ll find out more about him later) and his sidekick Nurm were being attacked by a Zalerian Kraken that they had pushed over the edge.

Grandmaster Sarmanteniqueli Øøk continued fishing, but then the kraken roared, giving the Grandmaster a big fright. He jumped up, and just as the kraken was about to squash Bob, the fishing rod flew into its eye.

This hurt, and the Kraken fell to its death.

So, if it was not for Grandmaster Sarmanteniqueli Øøk, Bob would be dead. (You will know why this would be terrible very soon.)

You may think that this coincidence was a…coincidence, but it is not! In truth, all coincidences are orchestrated by Coinkydink (Say Co-ink-ee-dink), the lord of luck.

He is really good at playing poker. By the way, this has been another wasted moment in your life. You could have used that time to save a puppy, or perhaps create world peace. But instead you wasted it.

You can thank our favourite sponsor company, Endersan, for that. Endersan has been supplying children with alcohol for many years, getting the little brats out of their parents’ faces very easily…

We should probably question whom we get to sponsor us a little more often.

 

@!

 

There is a space in between The Twilight Zone and The Void. It is called the THIS HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO COPYRIGHT CLAIMS and it is the most important place before The Void. It is where a great reptilian creature lives, but we will not name it because we are afraid of more copyright claims.

Anyone who goes there forgets what they saw as soon as they come out, because it is so terrifying. Even the ancients forget. But, for the first time in the history of time, we will reveal the truth. When you enter this strange world, you will see…

THIS HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO COPYRIGHT CLAIMS.

Bloody Hel!

@!!

Talking about Hel, Hel is a terrifying planet just 200 light years to the right of Draconia. It is owned by an ancient called Satan, and he is very important, because...

Anyway, you don’t want to hear that story. One day Satan got bored with torturing people, so he threw some rocks into space. Over time, the rocks evolved to be invincible, a very good defence mechanism in case the universe ends. The chickens have this mechanism too.

Satan always hated earth, so he decided to send a squadron of Vampyres to destroy the humans. (Yes, Vampyres (Vampyres is the plural of Vampyr) exist. The more you know!)).

The Vampyres were the most powerful beings in the universe at the time, but when they landed, they realised that they had one rather...painful weakness. Sunlight created by Keith killed them. They landed during the day, but before they could do anything they died, and their skeletons shrunk into the ground.

This made Satan very angry. He sent a squadron of Creepy Dolls, and they are still making their way towards us now.

More interestingly, Hel is the very place that Bob (Be patient!) created a group of special Krakens, AKA The Slobber Beasts Of Hel. One was sent to Draconia, one was sent to Kepler-186F (The stupid human name, whereas its real name is Bernard), and the last one was sent to roam space.

If you ever meet one of these, there are some special steps you must take.

   
 * 1) Introduce yourself.
 * 2) Scream.
 * 3) Get eaten.
 * 4) Get digested.
 * 5) Say goodbye world.
 * 6) Die.

@!!!

Far away in the distant corner of the universe, near the Milky Way, lies the incredibly boring planet of Beetle Frootnuttle (In a huge coincidence/coinkydink, Beetle Frootnuttle is also the name of The Master Of General Elections in a town called Mumpermire in another Dimension, but that is a story for another day). Beetle Frootnuttle has strobe lighting in its atmosphere, so it does not need a chicken to look after it.

This strange planet is largely populated by a strange cult known as The Order Of The Shadow Monks. It was the shadow monks that created the amazingly awesome and powerful caps: 39Thirty Medium-Large Team Falcon Headwear, 0800 Scouts Adventure Plus, 49Forty Medium-Small Team Eagle Headwear and Kiwi. Each cap has a prophecy that goes with it.

39Thirty says that “The second owner will die, the cap will create life and end our dimension.”

0800 says “Whoever can wield the power of the 0800 Scouts Adventure Plus is the son or daughter of a human and an Ancient, and one day the sun will return and end the reign of cold.”

49Forty says “He who wears this cap will have everything he could ever ask for, but if he is untrue, he will die penniless and unloved.”

Kiwi says something that is written in a secret language that only the Ancients understand. Whatever it says must be very dangerous, because when King Nebuchadnezzar found out about it, he had it sent into the darkest dimension of them all. The one that sits beside the very waterfalls of

The Sea of Dimensions. No mortal who ventures there ever returns, and no mortal ever will…

The other caps were also hidden: 39Thirty was hidden on Earth (but was found by Egghead !), 49Forty was hidden on the tallest of the Triplet Peaks, and 0800 was hidden in Snowlandia (however that was found by Father Christmas.)

 

!#

If you can somehow make it out of our universe, through The Twilight Zone, across The Void, and over the cliffs of THIS HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO COPYRIGHT CLAIMS, you will fall. When you land in the sea, the currents will drag you for a long, long, time. Finally you will float over the edge. There is no way to stop this from happening, which is unfortunate, but when it does happen you will fall. Again.

But this time you will keep falling…and falling…and falling. This is because you will have fallen into the oblivion. If you are lucky, you will land on the little balcony at the bottom of our dimension.

But you can imagine what would happen if you were not lucky.

The monks who live on the island Shlocht, right next to one of the waterfalls, believe that the Oblivion has a floor, and that it lies exactly 100,000 feet down. They also say that there is a great monster that lives on the floor, and that said monster will one day rise up and destroy everything, which is of course ridiculous.

Why did I need to tell you this? I didn’t.

#

I have been talking of ancients so often, but I have never actually properly explained it. Ancients are the special beings, creatures that have existed since before the Sea Of Dimensions itself. 4-Some Ancients (Like Father Christmas) are a bit younger than The Sea Of Dimensions.

King Nebuchadnezzar was the first ancient, followed by Satan, followed by Theomarna, followed by Theofarna (Theodrona’s mother/father), followed by Keith, followed by N, followed by Grandmaster Sarmanteniqueli Øøk, followed by Theodrona. t goes on, but it would go on for a very long time because there are so many ancients.

# !

By now, the year on earth was 1666, and a boring place called London was burning down, and a land called France declared war on some British people. It had been a long time since the islands had broken apart, but literally nothing interesting happened in between them.

Many humans think that the islands broke apart during the dinosaur years.

No.

# !!

Back to the bloke called Bob. Bob is a very special Ancient, the son of King Nebuchadnezzar. He understands all the secrets of The Sea Of Dimensions (Many people know the secrets, but very few understand them).

Bob often takes holidays to our dimension, which is why he was on Hel when he created the Slobber Beasts.

Bob is also the very being who, at the moment of destruction in Atlantis, took his great axe and beheaded the king. After this, the crowds chased after him. He climbed the great glass walls of the ball, but he was followed by the mob of Atlanteans, who had just realised that he was trying to escape the sinking cities. They hoisted themselves up the huge chandeliers that hung from the roof, but when Bob saw what they were doing, he used a super knife to cut through Iobsorbium chains, sending the mob falling into the rushing waters, and their dooms.

This is just to prove how incredibly amazing Bob is.

Another time, he got trapped in a blizzard with his Butler, Karl. Eventually, he was forced to eat Karl. When Bob returned to his lair, Karl’s brothers Carl and Nurm didn’t really care, because Karl had cut Nurm’s tongue out twenty years earlier.

Of course, it was a magic blizzard, and Karl’s soul was transported into the body of Fred, a Llama belonging to a bloke named Big Jim.

Karl found Bob, killed Carl, wounded Nurm, and ate Big Jim. He was about to kill Bob, but Bob used his powers to implode Karl/The Llama.

Yet again, this proves how awesome Bob is.

Of course he has experienced many other amazingly awesome awesomeness filled adventures. Once he found a colony of Banshees (7 foot tall creatures with huge claws, brown fur, and red eyes) on Shlocht, and he chased them away. From that day forth, not a single Banshee has set foot on Shlocht.

Say, that sounds eerily similar to something from earth…just it was in Ireland, with snakes and a Saint called Pa-


 * 1) !!! (AKA WAR!!!!!!)

After many wars and stuff, it came to the year 1912. Then a ship sunk. This was because King Nebuchadnezzar was bored so he threw some ice in front of it.

Then in 1915, another war started. 5-What a surprise. It was caused because an Austrian fruitcake got shot. When it ended in 1918, the island America got all high and mighty, so Theodrona punished them with depression. By the end of that, it was 1939, and another war started. It ended in 1945, and then a Cold War Started. During the Cold War there was a Korean War for three years, and then there was a Vietnam War, and when that war ended in 1975, the Cold War was still going, until some Germans got impatient and hammered a wall to the ground. That was in 1989. Then there was peace.

Then in 2001 some towers got knocked over, and from then on, there were many wars on the nutters that did it.

In the year 3000, a crazy nut will blow things up, and the world will be silent until 4012.

The end of our dimension will begin (Of course) on earth, during the year 4012 in the lands of New Zealand and Australia. It will be caused by an age-old argument caused by a dispute over which land created the so called ‘Pavlova’.

The lands will begin to attack each other, and eventually every other country will join in and cause World War IV, or World War !@. 24-Finally, the Pavlova recipe will be dropped in the ocean and the world will be lost without it.

Dinosaurs will be resurrected, they will begin to eat people, and humans will run away to other planets. Finally, through confusing plot twists and explosions, 39Thirty Medium-Large Team Falcon Headwear will create a glass body and send out a shockwave that destroys everything, literally everything in our dimension. Every single egg will hatch, the chickens will return to the sea and the few survivors, a quartet of space heroes, will be teleported to Snowlandia for many wacky adventures.

Yes.