The Tale Of The Ancients

The Tale Of The Ancients is the second book in The Books Of Importance.

Scriptures
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After reading the insanity inducing origins story of stuff, you may be asking how the Hel the Sea Of Dimensions was created. Luckily for you, the answer is right here.

9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 centuries ago, all that existed was Nothing, a great god who has always existed. But, far away in the future, our Dimension was destroyed. This sent a small shockwave crashing through time itself until it hit Nothing. When this happened, Nothing had an allergic reaction and sneezed.

But that had no effect on anything.

Unfortunately, as he sneezed, Nothing stomped his foot, sending another shockwave through time. This shockwave hit King Nebuchadnezzar as he lay on his deathbed, and his soul was transported back through time. Eventually, he arrived in the same place as Nothing. King Nebuchadnezzar’s arrival created the Oblivion and the Antique Shop In The Sky.

While he ruled over the Oblivion, King Nebuchadnezzar got bored and created some more people, AKA The Ancients. This made Nothing very angry, but Keith pecked his foot and he ran away.

After 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 centuries, King Nebuchadnezzar got bored and asked Theomarna to create something fun.

Theomarna said ASYOUWISH>IWILLNOTFAILYOU> and left. Theomarna was gone for a long while, but when he/she returned he/she had a little rock.

King Nebuchadnezzar was understandably confused, until Theomarna dropped the rock. This sent a shockwave rushing through time until it came to the end of everything. When it arrived it caught The Sea Of Dimensions and dragged it back to the past.

Now that The Sea Of Dimensions had been created, The Ancients could settle down and have peace.

 

!!

 

However, as The Ancients went about creating hundreds of new dimensions, Nothing got even angrier. He was angry because he hated everything and wanted nothing. If you can follow that.

And so he took the form of a mortal and entered The Sea Of Dimensions. The first place he arrived at was Snowlandia, although back then it was called Rocklandia.

Father Christmas was looking around the Dimension, and he was confronted by Nothing. Nothing convinced Father Christmas to go rogue and create an evil fascist society based on terror. This created a rift between The Ancients, and Father Christmas was labelled ‘Judas’, Ancient for dirty traitor.

Nothing travelled to the planets Zing, Zang, Zoolo, and Baster, in our dimension, and told the warring tribes of each planet to join together, forming the ZingZangZooloBaster tribe. They followed him to battle at the edge of Oblivion, and the Ancients met them there.

King Nebuchadnezzar said unto Nothing, “Stop this Nothing! We must have peace!”

“Of course we will have peace!” Said Nothing. Then he shot King Nebuchadnezzar in the face, and King Nebuchadnezzar (who was in the form of a mortal) tumbled into Oblivion.

The Ancients and the ZingZangZooloBaster tribe charged to battle. Many men and women died that day, but The Ancients came out victorious.

The ZingZangZooloBaster tribe stuck together, always maintaining their love of war, but Nothing disappeared into the Dark Dimension, always plotting and waiting for revenge.

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For many years after that, there was complete and utter peace. King Nebuchadnezzar’s brother Satan ruled The Sea Of Dimensions, Theomarna, Theofarna, and Theodrona piled some trash in the corner of the Antique Shop In The Sky so they could live there, and King Nebuchadnezzar’s wife, N, gave birth to Bob.

Bob took many lessons from the scholar Ancient, Archimedes, who was always ready to lend a helping hand to those in need. It was Archimedes who encouraged a young Bob to find his father, who had been missing for many years now.

Bob then went to N and Satan to ask their permission, and they agreed to let him go, as long as he took his hot water bottle. (You must remember that Bob was only four years old at this time.)

Bob got a little grappling hook and lowered himself slowly into the Oblivion. One month and fourteen hours later, Bob found his father clinging for dear life to the balcony.

He said, “Come up daddy.”

And Daddy came up.

As they were climbing up, they talked about things that were troubling them, although neither of them could hear each other, because the Oblivion is very echoi… echoee… echoey… echoäý.

!@

Now that King Nebuchadnezzar had been returned to the Antique Shop In The Sky, Satan could finally have some peace and quiet. He travelled to our dimension, forged Hel, and sat there.

It was also around this time that Theodrona created the Universe. This in turn created Time, a really stroppy Ancient who is known for fiddling around with time (which has existed since Nothing). Time caused a lot of problems for the Ancients and the mortals, which you will find out about right now.

It was a cold winter’s evening in the year of the great return of King Nebuchadnezzar and Bob. The Ancients were settling in for a nice quiet night of peace and quiet. Suddenly, up popped Time, a hairy fellow with five legs, eighteen arms, and clocks for eyes. He was very odd, even for an Ancient (for example, Grandmaster Sarmanteniqueli Øøk has five thousand eyes on his head). He introduced himself using an amount of rude words, and he then paused time.

You can probably guess why this was a problem.

Luckily, Ug the Gorilla Ancient was not affected by the pausing of time. He knew that only one person could be responsible, so he went off to find Time. When he did find Time, Time was not very pleased, but Ug beat him up until he unpaused time.

When later asked why he did what he did, Ug replied: “Ug.”

@

You are probably sick and tired of hearing about amazing people doing amazing things, so I will tell you a bit about the Antique Shop In The Sky.

The Antique Shop In The Sky is a fun place. If you have been reasonably good (and never broken the orders of Theodrona (see Rules, Heroes, And Logic The Orders Of Theodrona)), that is where you will end up. Now, the reason this is so incredibly and awesomely amazing is because the Antique Shop In The Sky is big. You may be screaming “But author you idiot, it’s tiny!”

Well, there is this amazing thing called dimensional transcendentalism (Don’t ask me how to pronounce that). This means that the Antique Shop In The Sky is bigger on the inside.

With so much room inside such a small place, there need to be a lot of things to take up that space. Well, there are a lot of things to take up that space.

Like...

A petting zoo, a night club, an actual antique shop, a book shop, a bank, a giant swimming pool, a gladiator arena (Because the Romans like that), a sailing club, a computer room, five cinemas, and a pizzeria.

But these are just some of the reasons that the Antique Shop in the sky is amazing. 31-Other reasons include…

Getting to meet the Ancients, having Netflix, and even having access to your own

@!

After being cast out, Time ran away to the Dark Dimension, where he found Nothing. Nothing told him to go away, but Time stayed anyway.

“Greetings o great one! I am Time!” Said Time.

“Bugger off.” Nothing said.

Time did not know what to do, so he told Nothing everything that happened. Nothing saw the similarity between their tales and decided to take Time under his wing.

They still haven’t attacked the Antique Shop In The Sky though, so no-one knows what they are doing now.

@!!

Bob was now seven years old, so N and King Nebuchadnezzar decided to send him to Shlocht to study with the monks. It was at this time that he chased the Banshees away.

Because of this, Bob is still hailed as a god by the monks of Shlocht, and they never even dream of eating flowers.